Chapter 5
THE SEXUAL MINISTRY’S EFFECT ON THE WHOLE PERSON
Here is a true story. A young man was having a really difficult time breaking through in prayer.
There was frustration because the prayers didn’t seem to reach past the ceiling. There was distraction and anxiety, tension and turmoil. Then the young man’s wife came to him and said, “Darling, come with me.” After her sexual ministry to her husband, he returned to prayer and discovered that all of the frustration, anxiety, tension and turmoil had completely disappeared and that there was free access to God!
The husband had. not even been consciously aware that his problem in one area could be directly solved by being ministered to in another area seemingly not related. It’s kind of the opposite of trying to push down an upraised spot in the carpet! Minister to one part of a person’s life, as a means of ministering to another. That which affects the roots of a tree, or flower, affects the fruit or the flower. It is absolutely amazing, the way ministry to a seemingly isolated part of our body, soul, or spirit can so strongly affect other seemingly “unrelated” parts of our being.
The Bible talks about the husband and wife “as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” (I Peter 3:7). There is a logical explanation for this. All that we are in God and in the possession of His positive attributes and nature, gets transferred and imparted to our spouse during the total and inextricable intermingling of soul and spirit at the time of intercourse. For if this works in a terrifyingly hideous way as with the case of fornication (I Cor.6: 13-20), it also works in an INCREDIBLY CREATIVE WAY for those whom “God hath joined together” (Matt. 19:6)!!!
“VAMP HIM INTO THE KINGDOM!”
There are some cults that have taken this truth to a sinful extreme. These cults have said that this would be “a good way to share the Christ with others”, to “show sexual tenderness or to sexually prostitute one’s self as an ‘evangelistic tool’ “. But they are seemingly unaware that the end does not justify the means, and that they will pay in hell fire for this spastic excusing of their immorality, fornication and adultery.
However, just because the enemy tries to counterfeit this truth, doesn’t mean that husbands and wives cannot minister the Christ to each other, synergistically! In this case, it is not a matter of, “Shall I take the members of Christ, and join them to a harlot?”, but, “Shall I take of the members of Christ, and join them to ” my own dear lovely one to whom I am MARRIED!!!!!!!!” The one-hundred fold reward of reaping what is sown will be seen in this righteous cause as well. Can you see this?
We have seen that in a manner similar to the way that food affects the whole person, more than just ministering to this “hunger”, so also sex affects the whole person more than just ministering to his or her “hunger”. In fact, for those who are married, there are a multitude of reasons why the sexual ministry is important, besides one’s sexual hunger. For, though a• person may not have a desire for sex, there may be many needs that will be met through the sexual ministry. This is one reason why there needs to be the approach of aggressive initiative on the part of one’s spouse even at those times when there may not be expressed sexual desire on the other’s part. Can you see this?
OTHER BENEFITS
The Sexual Ministry positively miniters to other areas also. For example, let’s look at a situation where a husband or wife is in a condition of sexual desire, or hungry for sex. But, let’s say that the spouse is insensitive or unresponsive to their mate’s need, and thus fails to minister sexually to the other. Then, when that ministry is not given, that sexually hungry person’s attention is diverted from other priority matters he or she should be giving attention to, such as prayer, the ministry of the word, the job at hand, etc.
In addition, there may be an inordinate time and energy expenditure, trying to compensate for, or divert attention from, this “need for sex”. For example, this person may try to compensate for this lack of, and need for, emotional or sexual attention by excessive eating, or TV watching, or staying up late, or seeking fulfillment through some form of time and money consuming, but otherwise “harmless” entertainment, or reading, etc. The person may not even be consciously aware -as to what the real problem is, thinking that they are a glutton, etc., when the root cause may be that his or her needs are not being met in the realm of the emotional, romantic or sexual, etc.
(It is also very important to note that this same principle is often true as related to spiritual hunger. There is a certain itch or craving that can only be met in time spent with God in the fulfillment of a deeeeeeeeeeeep neeeeeeeed to walk and talk intimately - with God. Many people are hungry for God, but try to meet that need some other way.) But, let’s get back to this area of sexual hunger. We know personally of situations where a person would be hungry for sex with his or her mate. But the other was insensitive and unresponsive to the sexual hunger, need or desire in the other. This sexually needy spouse had too much integrity and love for the other, to go to a prostitute, or commit adultery, and so, would try to compensate by doing one of the following “legitimate” things 1) would stay up for hours, when sleep was needed; 2) would go to the library or to a movie; or 3) read a book, or, 4,5, & 6) eat and eat and eat, or 7) be otherwise keenly frustrated, when, if instead, the insensitive mate would have ministered to the sexually hungry spouse, he or she could have gone on about the business at hand and lived happily ever after!
We have counseled with too many situations where either a husband or the wife will go to great expenditures of time, money, energy and attention getting, simply because he or she is starved for affection or attention, sexually, emotionally, and/or romantically. This is NEVER an excuse for immorality, any more than physical hunger is an excuse for theft or murder. What do you think of a husband or wife who had five steaks on his or her plate, but refused to share that food with the starving partner?
FAILURE TO PROVIDE
As a probation officer for L.A. County, I used to have to send people to jail, for their failure to provide for their families, if they consistently refused to do so. There is a Scripture that says, “If a man fails to provide for his family, he is worse than an infidel, and has denied the faith.” But this verse applies to more than just the financial area of need. It also applies to every other area of need, as well, including the spiritual, the fellowship, the romantic, the emotional and the sexual.
Again, we want to remind that at the Judgment Seat of Christ, we will all be held responsible for the extent to which we fulfilled, or failed to fulfill, our calling or ministry! And a major area of “calling” for husband and wife is our call to minister to the sexual and emotional and romantic areas of need in our spouse.
Once again, in this situation we described, where a spouse waits often for the other to minister sexually and emotionally and romantically, and when this ministry is not forth-coming, sleep is lost, over-eating takes place, attention gets diverted from the responsibilities at hand, because the person is trying to “fill the void”, or “scratch the itch” in other acceptable ways. If the person were not committed to Christ, this spouse would be bitter and resentful, to the point where divorce or unfaithfulness, etc., could result. (Remember, there is never any excuse for sin.)
But since there is a determination not to sin in these areas, the spouse spends an inordinate amount of time trying to compensate in other ways that are not considered “overt” sin. But there is still a loss and a diverting of energy, time, activity and focus that could have been better spent, if that person’s spouse had been unselfish and sensitive to his or her needs.
We counseled a situation where a pastor’s wife engaged in political sabotage, spreading gossip, creating turmoil, even to the point of almost destroying her husband’s ministry, because he was failing to recognize, respond to, and meet her emotional, sexual and romantic needs.
When we asked her about her spastic and inordinate behavior, she quietly replied in a voice that sounded as though it were coming from a child, “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you...that in all of this, I was simply trying to get my husband’s attention.”!
What do you think should come first? Ministry? Family? Spouse? Self? Most ministers and dedicated disciples, (the only kind), would say, “The Ministry!” And they would be wrong! What then? The wife? No, not her either.
THE WILL OF GOD
The Will Of God must always be first! The leading of the Holy Spirit must take priority above all else, and the spouse must realize this. BUT...the leading of the Holy Spirit will not always be to ministry! (Or should I say spiritual or “religious” ministry.) Always, the Holy Spirit will lead one to do what needs to be done, from God’s perspective. For example, there have been times when I was deep in prayer, when the Holy Spirit said something like, “Your child Joshua needs you. Leave your place of prayer, and go play catch with him, go fishing with him. Spend some quality time with him.” This has happened with each of our children. And, it has often happened with my wife!!! There are times when I would rather have done the “religious” thing, when the Lord would interrupt my “spiritual thing” and make me aware that I was to minister to my wife in one of a multitude of practical ways. There are other times when the Holy Spirit would also draw me away from the family to Himself. But, at those times that God would want me to minister to my wife in some specific way, I would obey, and I would leave my place of prayer and go wash the kitchen floor or the bathroom for her, or wash the dishes or chase her around the kitchen table, etc.!
“Husband, love your wife - As Christ loved the Church...” And do you know how He loved her? By washing her feet!!! Does washing her feet come to mind when you consider that command of God where He commands you to “Love your wife, even as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for her!” There are many things that are the modem equivalent to washing feet. But let’s get back to the point..
THE NEED OF MINISTERING TO THE NEED
I have seen individuals who seemed to be angry at, or frustrated with their spouse in a manner not seemingly in character with the outward circum- stances at hand, when essentially the real problem was an underlying frustration with the other one’s lack of ministry to them sexually, or in one of these other seemingly unrelated areas.
One is NEVER justified in sinning in a situation such as this! Not even is a person excused or allowed to be resentful or bitter, or to have any kind of a wrong spirit. As the Scripture says, “Husband, love your wife, and be NOT bitter against her.” And, in fact, the person may succeed in warding off and fighting away the sin, but much time and energy can get lost in the process.
Can you see 1mw much further ahead the marriage would be, if only the dear husband or wife saw to it that the emotional, romantic and sexual needs of their spouse were being met??? The time invested in meeting the other person’s need, would be very little, by comparison to the reaping of the rewards of happiness and increased productivity!!!
We recently counseled again in two situations where the wife was trying to witness to her husband on the one hand, but was sexually “starving” him on the other. It seemed that the more “religious” she
became, the less of a sexual ministry she became. Can you see how just the opposite should be true? Have you heard the expression, “Vamp him into the Kingdom.”?
Though we will be discussing other facets such as creativity, frequency and the ways in which the total person benefits, let, us deal first with the most important things that this book will present, that will tie together all that has been said thus far. Then we will consider what we have referred to as
“THE KING’S GREATEST SECRET!!!
REVIEW — CHAPTER 5
- Why does ministry to one’s spouse affect the whole person?
- In order of importance, what should come first, the ministry, the spouse, the children or one’s self?
- How could the Kingdom principle of a one hundred-fold return apply to this chapter?
- Explain how a person’s sexual ministry to the spouse affects areas in that person’s life totally unrelated to the sexual act.
- How did Jesus demonstrate His love for His Bride that relates to the way a husband is supposed to love his wife?
- What are some practical things that a husband can do to love his wife the way Christ loved and loves His Bride?
- Do you think that it is proper for a husband to help his wife with her household duties?
- Is adultery or fornication ever justified, permitted or excused?
- Does a person ever have a right to get a wrong spirit or attitude?
- Make a list of things that should be priority or important in a person’s life.