Chapter 8
TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT
or “FREQUENCY” or “I’ve Got a Headache”
The story is told of a sex education lecture where the leader asked the audience as to the frequency of sexual intercourse, beginning with those who experienced sex most often.
The categories were as follows: a) Seven or more times a day, b) Seven or more times per week, C) Seven or more times a month, and d) Seven or more times a year. By this time only one person had not been able to answer the question, but had become increasingly enthusiastic with the decreasing frequency categories. So the leader asked this person, who by this time was jumping up and down in the front row with excitement, what his degree of frequency was, to which he replied, “Once a year!” When the leader asked him why he was acting so happy, the poor fellow shouted, “Tonight’s the night!”
There is an interesting passage in the Bible that deals with frequency of sexual intercourse.
“To avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband bath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency, [lack of self-control.]” I Corinthians 7:2-5
A CLOSER LOOK - IMPORTANT!!!
Let’s look at this one a little more closely.
- The PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE given here is: “TO AVOID FORNICATION”!!!
Suppose the spouse asks the mate ...“Is this what you married me for?” What would be a good Scriptural answer?
Do you realize that virtually EVERY OTHER FUNCTION that a marriage could fulfill outside of the sexual ministry, could be righteously HIRED done by someone other than a spouse?!?!?!?! Think about it!
- If each spouse realized that they do not have “power” over their own body, but over that of their mate, there would never be a problem with frequency, or, for that matter, many other things.
- If only couples would refrain from “defrauding” each other, how many marriage problems would be solved! We were counseling with a couple once. The wife said of her husband, “All my husband ever thinks about is sex, 24 hours a day!” So! asked her, “If you ministered sexually to your husband every time he wanted you to, about how many times a day would you have sex?” She laughed and said, “Oh about every 5 minutes or so!” I said, “During your entire marriage (they had been married about ten years,) about how many times would you say that you’ve had sex three or more times in one day?” She thought a minute and said that they NEVER had, and that in fact they had only had sex two times in one day only about 5 or 6 times in the entire ten years of their marriage! So, I recommended that she not defraud him anymore, just to see what would happen. Turned out that the first day they had sex three times, and twice on the second day. The next two days, however, he was just “too pooped to pop”! It seems that the poor fellow had been on “starvation rations”. No wonder all he could think about and talk about was food, I mean, sex.
- The ONLY purpose ever for withholding sexually is for the purpose of “prayer and fasting”. (v.5). I’ve seen a special calendar once or twice that goes like this. First Day - “I’ve got a headache.”
Second Day - “Is this all you ever think about?” Third Day - “I’m too tired.” Fourth Day - “How ‘bout tomorrow?” Fifth Day - “Is this what you married me for?” Sixth Day - “I’ve got my period.” Day # 7 - (Same excuse as day 6). Day # 8 - (Same as day 7), etc., etc., and so on through the month. Did you hear about the couple went to the zoo - got too close to the gorilla who grabbed the lady. She hollered “Harry help me!” Harry said, “Just tell him you’ve got a headache.” That worked for him, he thought it should work for the monkey!
- “...and that for a time... and come together again”. Some translations here read, “For a short time only ” Here, the Amplified Bible reads, “But afterwards resume marital relations, lest satan tempt you Ito sin] through your lack of restraint of sexual desire.” The first thing of importance here is that the Lord does not intend that couples go for a very long period of time without having sex. The second thing is...
- Withholding sexually for more than a “short” or “brief’ period of time can increase the intensity of temptation needlessly but understandably. But NOTICE: THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE FOR YIELDING TO TEMPTATION! Regardless of the reason or the intensity or the length of time...there is NEVER AN EXCUSE FOR SIN! Remember I Corinthians 10:13, “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer (let or allow) you to be tempted above what you are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye maybe able to bear it.” So, there is NEVER a reason or an excuse or a justification for sin or compromise. But the Scripture does point out here that the sexual desire (being ‘horny’) is considerably increased when there is too much time from one intercourse to another. But we repeat yet a third time, and we may even say it again: There is never this or any other reason to sin. As we covered in the chapter on “The King’s Greatest Secret”, God has really made it possible for us to not sin, and we are recommending that you don’t
But, please get the point here. Suppose that the night (or nights) before, or on the morning of the day a spouse goes to work, there has been a time of withholding sex wrongfully. According to the above Scripture, illegitimate abstinence, or waiting too long between times of intercourse, can increase desire to the point of strong temptation. The spouse then goes out into the world or even stays at home and in the midst of sexual frustration is subjected to the distractions of sexual yearnings that are TOTALLY unnecessary. It’s like scolding a person for being hungry. Pass the laws. Preach the sermons. Frown and shake the finger, but the person will still be hungry at the end of it all. All you’ve succeeded in doing is to make the person feel more guilty, (and more hungry). Some spouses actually spend more time scolding their mate for desiring sex too much, than the time that it would take to minister to him or her sexually; and thus meet the need, satisfy the hunger, and “scratch the itch”, so to speak.
THE WITHHOLDING OF AFFECTION
The withholding of affection is equally against the Kingdom law of God. Yet, this is one of the very most serious problems we find in our marriage counseling.
It is amazing how this problem is part of a chain reaction, or a self perpetuating, or ricochet kind of problem. For example, one partner may withhold sex, or the expressing of affection for one of the reasons that we will discuss in a moment. But when this happens, often the other spouse will react by also refusing to express affection or to minister sexually; which, in turn, results often in the other also reacting but continuing to also withhold. This vicious cycle sometimes continues throughout the life of the marriage! How very very sad.
BREAK THE CYCLE!
Remember the Bible verse that says that “Love takes no account (keeps no record) of wrongs suffered!”? (I Corinthians 13). How very often, pain of a day, a week or a life time disappears when either party puts away his or her own pride or hurt or bitterness, and simply loves, Loves, LOVES! It is always best to love without conditions or “strings” attached. For this is the difference between prostitution and love. Love gives freely, without prices, conditions or “strings”. Prostitution demands payment.
“Husband, love your wife, and be not bitter against her” the Bible commands. This means that at those times when you think that you have a reason to be bitter or resentful against your mate, that you are simply to put away. your anger, and then, to love, Love, LOVE!
REASONS
Here are some of the reasons why people withhold the expression of love and affection from each other:
- Selfishness - If only people could understand
that the way to get is to give; that there is the promise of the 100 fold return for everything that is given for the Lord’s sake. “Inasmuch as you have done it unto one of the least of these... ye have done it unto Me.” Remember, “It is accredited to our account, as having been done to Christ, the way we relate to even the least of the Lord’s own dear ones.” (Matt. 25)
- Background - A person may have been raised in a home where love and affection were not present, or
if present, were not expressed. In this case, sometimes a person grows up to be an “emotional cripple”. Often this condition of being emotionally handicapped is not discovered until after one becomes married. We knew of a situation where a woman had been raped and molested during her childhood, only to grow up thinking that all men were this way. She went into the marriage terrified, tense, frigid and unresponsive. It was years before her husband understood the problem. But, there is good news! There is healing and encouragement and deliverance for situations like this, so that people can be healed from past unpleasantries, and become responsive and live happily ever after!
- Blackmail and extortion - We have mentioned this before, but this is probably the most common reason for one’s refusal to minister love or sex or affection. This unfair withholding is an often used manipulative tool or as a “control device”. “This is against the Law of Love,” says the Lord.
- Revenge - But God says, “Vengeance is Mine, I will ” The best way to get back at a person is for one to forgive, commit the matter to God, and then let Him handle it. He will!
- Self Defense - Sometimes, because of insecurity or fear, one may withhold as a protective measure. But the solution in this case, is for the person to accept the Lord Jesus Christ as their defense and protection.
- Cruelty - This withholding of love or affection or sexual ministry is most cruel. There is no defense against it. For, the other person may do every thing exactly right, but there is nothing one can do to protect one’s self against this withholding; just as there is really nothing God Himself can do to help Himself against those who would withhold praise and thanks and appreciation and acceptance of Him. But I believe that there is a 100 fold return for the negative things we do too!
REVIEW FOR CHAPTER 8
- Under what circumstances do you withhold sex from your spouse?
- Under what circumstances does your spouse withhold sex from you?
- Under what circumstances do you consider it proper for sexual withholding?
- What Scripture deals with this?
- What is the purpose or reason for marriage?
- What did you marry your spouse for, mainly?
- Do you agree that every function, activity and result, other than the sexual, can be righteously done without marriage?
- What does it mean, “You do not have power over your own body, but the spouse”?
- What does the Bible mean, “Do not defraud each other”?
- Who has the greatest appetite for affection, you or your spouse?
- Who has the greatest appetite for sex, you or your spouse?
- What is the only purpose for withholding, sexually from your spouse?
- Is there an excuse for fornication or adultery?
- Is a wrong attitude or spirit ever or justified,
- Is there ever an excuse for sin?
- Why, according to the Bible in I Corinthians 7:5, should the sexual ministry for marrieds take place on a regular basis, and the period of time abstaining, be limited.